"What came first---the music or the misery? Did I listen to music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to music?  Do all those record turn you into a melancholy person?.......The unhappiest people I know, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music the most; and I don't know whether pop music cause this unhappiness, but I do know that they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they've been living the unhappy live."

Everyone has things that they think define them, or encapsulate their personality.  Things that seem to be speaking just to them, or about them.  High Fidelity by Nick Hornby, is that for me.  I can't remember the first time I picked it up, or why I did it, but I know that it's been a constant part of my life ever since.  It's sort of a comfort blanket.  Whenever I'm feeling particularly down, or lonely, I can pick it up and visit my friends that feel just the same way I do.

High Fidelityis all about Rob Fleming, the owner of a North London record store, who's recently been dumped by his live in girlfriend Laura.  It's told completely from his perspective, it's his story in every sense of the word.  He initially puts on a brave face, talking about moving on, but the breakup destroys him.  When Laura left, he lost his center, now that she's gone he's completely off balance.  This makes him think back to all the most painful breakups in his life (his all-time, desert island top five split-ups) and what led him to this point.  What is it that makes him keep getting rejected?  Where does he go from here?

Which is all very relatable to most people.  What really makes it special for me is the details of Rob's character.  He's completely obsessed with music, everything in his life relates to some song, or sometimes a film.  There's this distance, where he isn't actually experiencing anything on its own merits, only on how it makes him feel in relation to something else.  All of which must be quantified, by making endless lists (top 5 side one track ones, top 5 sandwich fillings, top 5 songs to listen to on a rainy Monday morning, etc.).  If he could just stop, and appreciate what he has just for one moment, maybe he would be happy, and Laura wouldn't have left.

If, in that description of Rob, you can't see at least a little bit of me, then you just need to get to know me better.  I constantly fall victim to the process of enumeration, as evidencedby the frequency that I post lists on here.  Nothing is just a happy experience, it has to ranked in the all-time top five most memorable, or have some sort of quantifiable rating (like the 6.8 scale).  It's not much of a way to live is it?  What am I supposed to tell people, "Sorry, you're nice enough and all, but you're only the 6th nicest person that I've met on a cold Tuesday morning."  Not likely.

That enumeration, coupled with an unhealthy attachment to films and music, create a completely unattainable set of expectations.  If everything and everyone has to be the best ever then you'll never really be satisfied.  No matter how much you might want a Rick and Ilsa moment, or for your lips to meet as you suck on spaghetti, or for someone to say "you complete me,"it isn't going to happen.  Things don't always turn out the way you want, you're much more likely to be left alone and miserable than to have even just one of those moments.  But when you're so wrapped up into the fantasy, it's hard to seperate it from reality.  Nothing just quite measures up.  There's no one singing "Let's Get it On," or "Let's Stay Together."  It's just not happening.

So you become the sort of person (like me and Rob) that starts to worry about being alone for the rest of your life at 25.  That unless some miracle happens you'll end up just like TMPMIW (The most pathetic man in the world). You don't do anything that you can't get out of, because you might need to pick up and move at any time, if the right person comes along.  Basically, you just become stuck where you are waiting for something to happen, instead of making something happen.  When someone comes along (like Charlie for Rob) that you could be happy with you never get comfortable.  You never feel good enough, constantly wondering what they could honestly see in you.  Until, ultimately your own lack of confidence drives them away, leaving you devastated, wondering what happened.

All of these things are perfect descriptions of me.  Which aren't exactly flattering.  So why do I go back time and again to the book?  Partly it's to feel that other people feel the same way.  But mostly, I think it's because it gives me hope.  By the end of the book, Rob realizes that things aren't ever going to be perfect, and he's able to make it work with Laura.  If he can do it, why can't I?  So check the book out, at the very least it's a good read, but maybe it'll give you hope (or some insight into my character).

To get into the Rob Fleming sort of mood, I've thrown together a top 5 list:

My all-time top five love songs that make me sad:

1- "I Will Follow You Into the Dark"- Death Cab For Cutie

It's just such a sweet little song, but it's all about loss too.  There's this idea that "I love you, but someday I'll lose you.  Which is ok, because I'm coming with you then."  My favorite Death Cab For Cutie song, really turned me on to the band.

2- "Anyone Else But You"- The Moldy Peaches

It's such a simple song, just a two part harmony.  I love the sentiment behind the lyrics, that there isn't anyone else out there.  It's weird and quirky, and the singing isn't all that great, but wrap it all up in a box with my memories of hearing for the first time (when I saw Juno) and it makes it beautifully sad.

3- "Which Way Your Heart Will Go"- Mason Jennings

To me, this song says that everything in our lives, even the bad things, have led us to where we are now.  If we even took away one thing, we'd be somewhere completely different.  Your memories and decisions combine to create the happy place you are, or will be in.

4- "Hotel Yorba"- The White Stripes

I don't know if this was even meant to be a love song, but it always seemed like it to me.  A silly, happy run away together sort of love song.  Don't we all wish that we could just find someone and run away with them.

5- "On Your Porch"- The Format

It's quiet and unassuming, so it'll sneak right up on ya.  The whole song isn't really about romantic love, it's all kinds of love.  So I don't know that it should even be included on the list, but I just know that when I was listening to this song "in a hotel off of Sunset" like it says in the song, it really got to me.