The Gatekeeper in the World of Id
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 at 01:32PM
Working with individuals with mental illness and developmental disabilites often gives me the feeling that I live in the world of id. In Freud's structural model of the psyche the id is the area that is governed by instinct. It's the part that we're born with, that eventually is governed by the ego and the super-ego. It's completely based on the pleasure principle, on fulfilling impulses immediately, without regard for future consequences. If it feels good right now then the id wants you to do it, and if it feels bad then it doesn't want you to do it. It gives us the drive to accomplish, to survive, to multiply, but without something controlling it, it can be damaging and destructive.
Which is exactly where many of the individuals I work with are at. They are the id through and through. Whatever impulse they feel, they immediately give in to it, whether it's biting themselves (or others), pulling their clothes off, eating non food items, or engaging in inappropriate sexual behavior. It just has to happen right that moment. They don't understand anything about what the consequences of these actions might be.
Therefore it becomes my job (and others like me) to step in, and become an exterior sense of ego, directing them away from behavior that will hurt them, and towards more approprate outlets for their impulses. We have to make them aware of what the consequences of their actions could be, all while protecting them from what the true consequences would be. We have to be gatekeepers for their unrestrained id, letting it act out slowly, and safely.
It becomes very difficult when you're living in this world of id to not go one of two ways, either to completely embrace this id driven lifestyle, and starting giving in to your own impulses, or to be so repulsed by the sight of the id's excess as to completely shut it out of your own life. The person is few and far between that doesn't start down one of these two paths. No normal person will go completely one way, or another, but they definitely start to lean towards one.
Initially I would have said that I started to let my id out a little more than I ever had before, began taking more chances, doing things that I never would have before. It was completely against my core personality. I've always let my ego and superego take a free reign over the id, hardly letting it out at all, excepting for the minor rebellions that are ultimately unimportant. But, as with most things, failure led to a recoil, bouncing me back to a position of repression. It became the only way to cope with the unrestrained impulses around me. If I couldn't control their impulses, I would have to control my own.
Which seems all well and good, but really is just as unhealthy as my individual's complete lack of control. Without that instinct, and drive, you never really accomplish anything. You're safe, and free from harm, but unfulfilled. No matter how well you control your impulses, they're still there, still affecting you. You can't ever get rid of them. You need them.
So here I go, back to work, back to control, back again to watching the gates to the world of id, keeping the worst impulses at bay. Wishing that I could let the gate open just a bit.
gradually growing insanity in
Personal,
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